FLAM Faces, Uncategorized

Confessions of a control freak

This article is part of the #flamfaces series.
Here, Eloise Ferguson of Launceston shares a snippet of her story.

As a control freak who doesn’t adore vulnerability, letting God have the burden of my troubles doesn’t come easily. My human nature is to keep things to myself and stew on them until I reek of bitterness – but even I know that this creates more problems than it solves. The Bible makes it very clear that complete trust in God is crucial, and my faith has been tested the most when I trust in my own understanding rather than God’s.

I have always struggled to be open with people.

Many of my friends actually know very little about my aspirations or fears, because I steer clear of vulnerability in fear of getting hurt.

During exams last year, I was at quite a low point. I put so much pressure on myself and, for almost two months, I would wake up miserable and go to bed defeated, regardless of what happened in between. I made many mistakes during that time, and I knew I couldn’t do the same again. However, God knows everything about me – and without me even realising, I have been put in so many situations in the past few weeks that have shown me that a level of dependence on others is nothing to be afraid of.

God has brought new friends into my life this year who have similar goals to me and has provided opportunities for me to develop more meaningful relationships. It’s ironic, but struggling on my own made me so much more aware of how much my Father cares for me.

He’s teaching me a lot about trust and forgiveness. I’ve always thought I’m really good at forgiving people, when in reality I may forgive the action but I certainly don’t ‘forget’ what happened, and this results in a lack of trust, so really nothing is solved.

My faith has taught me how to be humble, forgiving and loving even when I don’t feel like it.

Nonetheless, I often fail to do these things and let stress, anger and cynicism influence my actions – but I know that no matter how many times I fail, I can run to Jesus and have a fresh start. Trying to live by Jesus’ example has, more than anything, shown me how much I need a saviour.

Slowly but surely, I am being shaped into a better person by the grace of God.

I was bought up in a loving Christian family so I’ve known Jesus my whole life, and I decided to dedicate my life to him when I hit the ripe old age of five – but it wasn’t until almost 10 years later that I was mature enough to appreciate the significance of Jesus’ death and resurrection.

I recommitted myself to Jesus once I realised that my life hadn’t been a reflection of God’s glory, and I wanted my decision to follow him to be a conscious choice, now that I understood the importance of the promise I was making.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
– James 1:17

This verse reminds me of many important things – every blessing is a gift from the unchanging God. I love it!


Photo credit: the lovely Sarah Haberle.